whitegremlin

i have cut calories..i dont eat enuff..so my body is in survival mode..im never hungry..i had a can of peaches and a piece of steamed chicken all day yesterday..and wasnt even hungry when i ate it..my hubby was watching me all day and kept asking me what i ate..im honestly not starving myself..im just now hungry..i know i have a super slow metablism from when i was younger and bulemic..i eat healthy but just not enuff..its not like i can make myself hungry..i can lay and do crunches and sqats and leg lifts all day long till my face goes blue but im still not hungry..i get nausea just smelling the food i cook for the family but cant make myself eat it..my usually intake for a normal day of home and work for 10 hours is just 800 calories..and i drink water all day usually a gallon to 2 gallons depending on what im doing..i just have no appetite..ive heard eating 5 small meals throughout the day works to speed up the metabolism but i dont think i can force myself to eat 5 times in one day..two days maybe but not in one day..i know probably need psych evaluation but its just another one of my many issues..i just have no one to talk to about any of my issues..if i had insurance id go to a counselor or dietician or someone..im lucky i can afford to go to a regular doctor..here the only way to get into free counseling or psych care you have to be in an abusive relationship-not me…have a nervous breakdown-not me yet..or have a drug dependcy-not me yet..i can go without my pain pills just wont sleep and cant walk..but other than that im doing great..hugs leighann..

heres a little background to why im in constant chronic pain..i was in military, fell off tower and shattered my feet..i had screws and pins the whole nine yards..was rollin around in a wheelchair for 5 months cuz i couldnt walk on my feet..when i finally got them healed i found out i had a blown disc in my back and a cracked pelvis from the wheelchair and lack of calcium and toooo many pain meds the military doctors kept me drugged up on so i wouldnt go crazy with agonizing horrible pain..

give birth to my children naturally didnt hurt as bad and my feet did in 2001..right now they hurt about like child birth does and i know you ladies can relate..

i cant run..i physically cant..i have tried recently just after my kids in the yard..i physically cant..my feet fold up on me and turn under when too much pressure or movement..i still have a pin and screw in each..i am not complaining at all..im just explaining to everyone who wrote..”just walk 20 minutes instead of run..” thats easy for you to say..and thank you for all your encouragement it does motivate me to not give up..but there in virtually no cardio that i can do longer than 5 minutes..im fighting tears off when i do have to work long hours..i just ignore the pain and eat some more pills to numb it a little..i dont like taking meds for pain..its addictive i will admit..ive just done it for so long that i dont know anything else to do..i have to work to pay bills..which means i have to stand the entire time 8-14 hr days..like today i worked 14 hrs constantly moving and sitting down only for a minute to check invoices on computer..i do wish i had a desk job, stuff like exercising would be soooooooo much easier and less agonizing than having to stand on tile floor alllll day! but i dont have any qualifications for a desk job..so im stuck in a convience store..for who knows how long…but thank you all again for your advice..i will have to push through the pain to get healthy i just hope i dont need to go to rehab for my painpill habit..that wouldnt be too healthy huh? hugs leighann

at first my problem was pushing myself toooo hard..now i dont think im trying at all anymore..i want to get healthy but im just in horrible pain constantly and dont want to rely on painkillers to get through my day..i did finally go to the doctor for everything goin wrong with my body..my bloodpressure was a high 170/70.. she wants to put me on meds for my bp but im hesitant about it..i dont want to take a pill everyday that is going to tired me out instantly..im only 25 and already have hypertension, arthritis, migraines, and am borderline diabetic..she gave me a meal plan..i dont like anything on it..my family wont eat any of it and we cant afford to plan out and fix two different meals and have two seperate foods..the “moms special food” and the real food..i cant live like that..my family shouldnt have to either..im seriously debating on just giving up on the whole getting healthy thing and just eat whatever and enjoy life just the way i am..considering with my crap health that i dont have forever anyways..i’ll be lucky to see my boys graduate..any advice?,,,,,,leighann

hey all..been working crazy hours again, i know no excuse for not holding myself accountable..our puter desk is in the living room next to the tv..and not getting my hubby off the couch for anything..and he wonders how he gained 20 lbs since january? well at least hes changing jobs next week..goin to applebees to work days now instead of crap hours at mcd’s..i love applebees..maybe i can get him to cook now..yeah right..

well eating this week as been ok..TOM is visiting so i made a late nite run to my store for brownie mix at 9pm..i did make them but only had one small one..i wrapped them up and when i came home from working 11 hrs the kitchen was spotless..clean that is and spotless of brownies..he claims the boys ate them..but i know better than that..he woke up and ate them for breakfast..now i see..thats why he was nice today and called me 3 times at work to see how my day was going..ive been mini workouts lately..no privacy around my house for me time..i cant take a shower alone without the phone ringing or my kids sticking toys under the showercurtains or my hubby using the potty when im trying to take a bath..ugh! well on the other side, my boss is getting tired of the “job” the whole being in charge and trying to hire new good workers..she was looking at classifieds most of the morning while i was cleaning my butt off scrubbing baseboards and walls down..she had a couple jobs circled..our area supervisor will be in the store tomorow so im gonna talk to her about me wanting my own store to manage..whether it be the one im at or a diff one..im ready for manager..tired of being the assistant to a lazy chick that gets power trips..well enuff venting for now..good luck to all..hugs leighann

had a ruff weekend..i had the deep urge to drink friday nite even though i had to work at 4 am saturday…i had a few beers..and ate way too much after drinking and smoked way too much cigarettes..worked 10 hrs saturday and 10 sunday..and im looking forward to 9 hour day today..i got mini workouts in over this weekend not really enuff to make a difference..been popping diet pills i got off ebay..i do have more energy early in morning but when it wears off i crash pretty hard..so have to take another one..been taking them for a week now and only one pound lost but thats probably cuz i was on just liquids for my teeth most of last week..but i do go to doctor again tuesday morning to check my infection in my mouth and my high blood pressure..hope both are down..have a great day all..hugs leighann

im up early this morning..partly cuz my husband got me up to watch the sunrise with him before he went to work and partly because i slept like poooh last nite..my tooth still aching but almost all the swelling is gone…i can smile without crying agian!  i have an early doctor appointment, she wants to check my blood pressure again-kinda high 150/70 when i went tuesday..not sure why other than stress of course..got in a nice relaxing workout with my kids last nite..my 30 lb baby is actually a good set of weights to lift…it was cute..both toddlers were trying to do crunches with me..i couldnt stop laughing..and my hubby was telling them to jump on me..not good since i bruise easily..but all good so far..lost another 2 lbs..slowly but surely! hugs leighann

and i have good reason..i woke up friday morning with a massive tooth ache..by saturday morning my whole left side of my face was swollen from my eyeball swollen shut to my chin..and it took me until today-tuesday to see a doctor to get some antibiotics..i even went to the er saturday afternoon after callin all the doctors in the tricounty area to see if anyone could get me in..and at the ER they told me that i would have to go to a dentist to get antibiotics for it..they didnt consider it a medical emergency..absese teeth/infection in your face can kill you and they didnt think it was an emergency??as you can tell im very frustrated..as for eating..im starved but i cant open my mouth enuff to swallow anything but water or v8 juice..thats all ive had since friday..no wonder i lost another 2 lbs..lol..but i did get some antibiotics today- a shot in the butt check.,, and a pain shot in my other butt check but she didnt think i needed any other pain meds to take..i havent slept but 4 hrs since saturday..im in too much agony to sleep..or work for that matter…yes buddies i did call out of work..my first callout since i got hired last august 06..and i had a doctors note for it..enuff about me..hope all is well..hugs leighann

“dont touch the scale..dont touch the scale!” keep telling myself this everytime i walk into my laundry room..eating pretty good..got hungry at work last nite and had a nutrigrain bar and a big cup of water..that held my belly grumbles off till i got home after 1130pm and i had a small bowl of cornflakes..just enuff so i could fall asleep after my workout..

so we go to my mom-in-law yesterday afternoon before i had to go to work and she tells my hubby “youve lost weight!” what? hes like 6′4 250..and caries it well..you cant really tell weight he weighs cuz how he dresses and its mainly muscle..but for her to tell him he looks like hes lost weight is crap..probably his shirt actually being tucked in..i laughed my ass off in the car when he told me that..here i am poured into a size smaller than i wore 2 months and actually have a bit of a waist now and i dont here any comments..we talked about ‘us” the entire 45 min ride home from his momma house..it didnt start off good but ended ok..

finally a nite off work..well work that is not home of course..made a nice dinner steamed chicken and veggies and eggnoodles for the kids..it fills me up but not my hubby for long..he keeps gettin hungry like 2 hrs later..i have stopped eating after 6 pm all together, well big meals at least..an apple doesnt count as a meal right? well at least my knee fits back into my pant leg now..swelling finally gone..but the bruise is still quite awful looking..everybody that sees it is like” omg, what happened?!” i just say thats what happens when it dislocates on you while your coming down a flight of stairs holding a 30 lb 19 month old..and he is 30 lbs..he had shots monday, poor little guy..and my 3 yr old finally gained weight 34 lbs now..yeah about time..i worked out for about 10 minutes alone while watching csi earlier till my kids saw me and wanted to jump on my chest and legs..oouch! but we played for over an hour..crawling after toddlers and chasing them around the house is a pretty good workout..they had me sweating..we had fun..dont know why but my hubby has become distant towards me..ive tried so hard to keep our marriage together..im just tired of trying anymore..i give up..thats the only thing i will give up on, trying to make it work..if it dont then fine..if he wants to change and accept me for me finally after 3 yrs then good cuz i am still in love with him..just tired of all the bs he puts me thru..well i just had to get that out..hugs im headed for bed..leighann

i know there are ups and downs..but two lbs are good..i couldnt wait till next monday to weigh myself..i have a dr. appt. next monday afternoon so we’ll see if my scale and his are the same..my knee actually feels alot better..ive been stretching all throughout the day and ice’in it down at night after work..work..ugh..thats a whole nother blog ya’ll..i’ll spare ya in this one..just too much stress there now..management sucks..pays good but just being dependable is one of my downfalls..oh well..

i worked out for 30 minutes abs lastnite before bed..and stretched this morning..almost ready to do my squats again and lunges but want to wait till my giant black and purple bruise goes away..my wrist are too weak to do regular pushups so i do them standing up against a wall…in the past 5 yrs i have broke my wrist 2 times..shattered my left foot when i was in military in 2002, have a pin still in it so running is out…i have cracked my hip from a bad car wreck in 2003 and dislocated my knee 3 times in past 2 yrs..i feel like im falling apart..but i know i need to strengthen my muscles around my knees so i wont dislocate them anymore..just hoping i dont have a tore acl ligament in it..i just wish i wasnt in constant chronic pain all the time..thats enuff to make a person give up but thats not im my nature..i just cant give in to overeating and i think i’ll be fine..hugs leighann